The Bayside Strangler: An Unproducable Saved By The Bell Episode
DISCLAIMER: The following work of fiction is a parody, and the writers admit, much to their own chagrin, that they own neither the intellectual property to Saved By The Bell, nor any actual property, or intellect. It is for entertainment purposes only, entertainment not guaranteed. The writers have received no financial compensation for the piece in question, and if you are a lawyer for NBC, we duly invite you to reread this entire paragraph.
Please watch Saved by the Bell, streaming now on pee cock.
INT. BAYSIDE HIGH HALLWAY — DAY
ZACK MORRIS walks down the stairs into the familiar Saved by The Bell set. He speaks directly to the camera.
ZACK
Well it’s the end of the semester at Bayside and everyday brings me a little closer to getting out of this place for good. The only thing that stands in my way is the big senior project. But I’ve got it taken care of.
Zack gets to the bottom of the stairs where a small group of NERDS stands in anticipation. Zack hands them a folder.
ZACK
There you go. One set of pictures of the Bayside cheerleading practice.
The nerds start to walk away but Zack stops them.
ZACK
Ah, ah, ah! Do we have a deal?
NERD 1
Your senior project will be turned in on time.
The nerds try to walk away.
ZACK
And?
NERD 2
And you’ll get an A.
ZACK
That’s what I’m talking about. Pleasure doing business with you.
(beat)
Now beat it.
Zack smiles to the camera and shrugs.
ZACK
(to camera)
I think I’m going to be fine.
Just then Slater and Jessie enter. Something is bothering both of them.
ZACK
Hey guys, why the long faces?
(to Slater)
You put your jock strap on wrong?
JESSIE
Cut it out Zack.
(beat)
They found another body last night.
SLATER
And Belding’s canceled the big game with Valley and won’t let anyone off campus so Jessie can’t go to her college prep law classes.
ZACK
Right…
Zack again turns to the camera and this time he holds up his hands in a T shape.
ZACK
Time out!
Everyone in the hall freezes.
ZACK
I almost forgot to tell you. There’s been a lot of murders around Bayside the last couple of weeks. A Hand full of students, and the entire chess team were found strangled to death right before their big match against Valley. Talk about choking! And it seems like every new student we get here just up and disappears without an explanation. I wish Belding would just call it quits on this semester already! A couple extra days of summer might be a good idea.
(beat)
Time in!
Everyone begins to move again. Zack, Jessie and Slater approach their lockers just as Lisa enters the hall. She is wearing what amounts to a mechanic’s jumpsuit.
ZACK
Whoa! Lisa! What happened? You just find out your summer job at the body shop isn’t a tanning salon?
LISA
Very funny Zack. But I’m not wearing any of my nice clothes as long as there’s a murderer prowling Bayside. Who knows what he wants? I’m not taking any chances!
SLATER
Yeah well, they better find him before I do. The little dweeb is already hurting my chances at a scholarship enough as it is.
JESSIE
What makes you think it’s a dweeb?
Slater opens his locker.
The body of KELLY KAPOWSKI falls out with a thud onto the linoleum floor.
Lisa and Jessie both scream and the sound bleeds into the ringing bell of…
TITLE: SAVED BY THE BELL THEME
INT. BAYSIDE HIGH HALLWAY — LATER
EMTs remove the body of Kelly and a few POLICE OFFICERS tape off the locker with yellow caution tape.
A few flashbulbs from the STUDENT CSI team go off in the faces of Zack, Slater and Jessie who all stand nearby in shock. Jessie is comforting Lisa who is sobbing.
From down the hall MR BELDING enters in confusion. One of his hands is covered in thick bandages.
BELDING
Hey, hey, hey! What is going on here?
ZACK
(in shock)
Oh hey Mr. B.
BELDING
Zack, what’s wrong?
(noticing Kelly being wheeled away)
Oh my God. Is that Kelly?
ZACK
It was, Mr. B.
Zack exhales deeply. Belding reaches out and puts a hand on Zack’s shoulder.
BELDING
Oh Zack, guys, I’m so sorry I wasn’t here. Mrs B and I have been going down to the dojo every morning because of all these murders and I had a little mishap with a throwing star.
He holds up his hand.
ZACK
Yeah? Well we had a little mishap too.
(turning angrily to Belding)
In fact, we’ve had quite a few!
JESSIE
What’s going on around here Mr Belding?!
SLATER
Yeah! You’ve got to do something!
LISA
(sobbing)
She’s gone. Oh God. She’s gone.
BELDING
I’m sorry gang. I wish there was something I could do. The police are at their wit’s end. There’s no clear motive and there has been zero evidence found. If there was something I could do I would have done it by now.
JESSIE
This is exactly why I need to be allowed off campus to take my law classes. I can help figure out who’s behind this!
SLATER
I think we should let the real investigators do their jobs.
Slater gestures to the student CSI team. Jessie gives him a dirty look.
BELDING
Besides, don’t you four have something more important to worry about?
They all look at each other and then at Belding in confusion.
BELDING
Your senior projects?
They look even more confused.
ZACK
Mr. B, don’t you think this is a bigger deal than senior projects?
BELDING
Oh now Zack. There is nothing that is a bigger deal than your education. Come on, you’re going to miss first period.
Belding walks out of the hallway leaving the group alone again. Lisa sobs loudly.
LISA
She’s gone! Oh God she’s gone!
CUT TO:
INT. THE MAX — DAY
The Max is lightly populated and MOOSE, the jock, sits at the door acting like a bouncer. Zack attempts to get inside but the door is locked.
MOOSE
Who is it?
ZACK
It’s Zack, let me in.
Moose eyes Zack suspiciously before taking the heavy chain off the door. Zack lets himself in and gives Moose an eye.
MOOSE
Can never be too careful around here, you know?
Zack shakes his head and walks over to the booth where Jessie and Slater sit opposite Lisa who is still crying and are speaking to a POLICE OFFICER with an inexplicably thick Chicago accent, and a thicker moustache, standing at the table. The officer, not the moustache. That would be weird.
OFFICER
If you can think of anything else please feel free to give us a call.
ZACK
What’s going on?
JESSIE
Officer Todd here is giving us an example of our constitutional rights.
OFFICER
I don’t know if I’d say that, but sure. How ‘bout you kid? When was the last time you saw Mrs. Kapowski?
JESSIE
You mean MISS Kapowski.
LISA
(to herself)
Ohh, I miss her!!!
OFFICER
So how ‘bout it?
ZACK
Me?
OFFICER
No, the hamburger. Yeah you.
ZACK
I was supposed to pick Kelly up from cheerleading practice last night but she never showed. I figured she got a ride home from one of her friends.
OFFICER
You’re the boyfriend right? You didn’t try and find out what happened to her?
ZACK
No sir, to be honest, I’ve just been so stressed out with all these murders and not to mention this senior project. You think maybe you could talk to Mr. Belding about all the pain and suffering we’re going through?
The Officer looks at him for a moment.
OFFICER
So you don’t know where she went last night after practice?
ZACK
No sir.
OFFICE
Okay. Well like I said. Give me a call if you can think of anything else. You guys enjoy your samiches.
The Police Officer walks away and Zack looks at the group.
ZACK
Geesh, sounds like that guy needs more practice with the right to remain silent.
JESSIE
Zack this isn’t funny. Kelly, our friend, your girlfriend, was murdered last night. The police are just doing their jobs.
Lisa lets out an anguished moan. Zack puts his arms around her.
ZACK
I know. I’m sorry. I guess I’m still coming to terms with it. It’s just all so strange.
SLATER
Speaking of strange.
The door to the Max rattles a few times before Moose finally opens it for SCREECH.
Screech is dressed in a full space suit and waddles his way inside the Max. At the stairs he peers down at them, and then turns to walk down them backwards.
SCREECH
That’s one small step for man. One giant leap for -
Screech misses the final step and falls to the ground. Zack and Slater jump up and haul him to a standing position.
SCREECH
Hi guys. Did you miss me?
JESSIE
Screech what are you wearing?
SCREECH
It’s a space suit. I just got back from space camp!
SLATER
Space camp?
SCREECH
Yeah, they said I was over age but underweight so it all evened out.
Screech shoots his hand up in the air triumphantly and whacks Slater in the face. Slater grabs his hand while Zack takes the helmet off.
SCREECH
What’s going on here? Lisa what’s the matter?
Lisa looks up at him.
LISA
She’s dead! Oh God she’s dead!
SCREECH
Well I miss her too but Marie Curie has been dead for years!
ZACK
No dummy. Kelly was found murdered by the Bayside Strangler this morning in Slater’s locker.
Lisa lets out a tortured moan and collapses into the seat. Zack runs in and catches her.
SCREECH
(gasping)
Murdered?! Kelly?! Slater’s locker!? How’d she get in there?
SLATER
That’s the thing. Nobody knows.
Zack stands up again.
ZACK
Wait. Yeah Slater, how did Kelly’s body get in your locker?
SLATER
What are you saying preppy?
ZACK
You know what I’m saying.
SLATER
Yeah, then say it!
Zack and Slater step close to each other, with Screech jammed between them.
ZACK
I don’t think I have to.
SLATER
I think you should!
Jessie jumps up.
JESSIE
Okay! Cut it out! You’re not helping anyone by fighting. Plus your testosterone is stinking up the place.
Zack and Slater step away from each other.
JESSIE
We need to work together to figure out who murdered Kelly!
Lisa howls in anguish and runs out of the Max. Everyone runs after her except Screech.
SCREECH
Gosh. I think I better go back to space where things make more sense.
He puts his helmet back on.
CUT TO COMMERCIAL
INT. CLASSROOM — DAY
The CLASS including Zack, Lisa, Slater, Jessie and Screech stand around talking.
MR. TUTTLE enters the room in a huff.
TUTTLE
Quiet down. Quiet down.
The class takes a seat.
TUTTLE
Your normal teacher has taken a sabbatical to avoid getting murdered. So I’ll be filling in for the rest of the semester.
ZACK
Oh good. An abnormal teacher.
TUTTLE
I heard that!
Zack shrugs his shoulders at his friends.
TUTTLE
Look. I know you don’t want to be here just as much as the rest of us. It happens to every senior this time of year. Well that and all the horrific murders. So I’m going to make the projects this year group projects.
Everybody mumbles.
JESSIE
But Mr. Tuttle I was preparing a mock trial to prove that Lady Macbeth was accessory to murder and that metaphorical blood is admisable in court!
TUTTLE
Miss Spano. Lighten up for God’s sake. If you want to do your little project and have some of your friends help that’s just fine.
ZACK
Yeah Jessie. I’d be happy to put my name on your project.
JESSIE
That’s totally unfair!
SCREECH
I was going to explore the mysteries of the space-time continuum. Want to help Slater?
SLATER
I think I’ll stick with Jess. But thanks.
The speaker in the corner of the room lights up with a bit of feedback and Belding’s voice pipes in.
BELDING (V.O.)
Attention Bayside students. Will AC Slater come to the principal’s office.
The class room lets out a collective “ooooo”.
TUTTLE
Knock it off.
Slater looks around.
JESSIE
What is this about Slater?
SLATER
I don’t know.
ZACK
I bet I know.
SLATER
Did you rat me out preppy?
ZACK
Rat you out? You sound pretty defensive for a guy with a body in his locker.
Slater stands and so does Zack.
SLATER
I don’t like your attitude Morris.
ZACK
Well I don’t like sharing a classroom with a murderer!
Tuttle jumps in the middle of them.
TUTTLE
Alright! Alright!
He eyes them both sternly.
TUTTLE
Look kids. I grew up during the summer of Sam, If you can’t get used to a couple of friends going missing then you’re both just a couple of -
The intercom fires up again.
BELDING (V.O.)
Slater. My office. Now.
SLATER
(to Zack)
This isn’t over preppy.
Slater moves for the door.
JESSIE
Slater wait! You’ll need proper representation.
TUTTLE
Miss Spano…
JESSIE
What? He has a right to an attorney. Are you trying to deny my client his constitutional rights?
Tuttle rolls his eyes.
TUTTLE
Whatever.
Slater and Jessie leave the room. Zack sits on his desk and looks at Lisa.
ZACK
Great now we’re two down for the project. It’s gonna take forever!
Lisa, who has been holding it together, breaks down in tears.
LISA
Oh God. She’s gone. She’s gone forever!
SCREECH
Sure you don’t want to help me with my project instead?
Zack looks at the camera with a “good grief” expression.
CUT TO:
INT. BELDING’S OFFICE — LATER
Slater knocks on Belding’s open office door.
BELDING
Come in AC.
Slater enters with Jessie in tow. Standing next to Belding is the Police Officer from earlier.
JESSIE
Before you say anything I want to inform you that I am representing AC Slater and his interests. Like any American citizen he is due certain protections under the constitution.
BELDING
Now Miss Spano, this isn’t necessary. I know you want to take your classes but-
SLATER
What is this about Mr. B?
OFFICER
We have some questions for you Mr. Slater. I wondered if you’d have a few minutes to talk to me.
SLATER
How long will that take? I’ve got wrestling practice after school.
BELDING
You don’t have to worry about that AC. All extra curricular activities have been suspended until we get this murder business figured out.
SLATER
You can’t cancel everything! That’s not fair!
OFFICE
Now calm down. The sooner you answer some questions the sooner we figure out who’s murdering all your classmates!
JESSIE
Is my client under arrest officer?
OFFICER
Under arrest? No! We just have some questions.
JESSIE
Then he won’t be going with you. He’ll be standing trial in front of a jury of his peers. Just like our constitution requires!
BELDING
Jessie!
JESSIE
And we’re going to do it now. Today. At the Max. For our senior project.
The officer gives Belding a long confused look.
BELDING
Jessie I’m afraid that’s just not how it works.
JESSIE
I wouldn’t know. You’re illegally withholding me from my education. Isn’t that right?
Mr. Belding looks nervously at the police officer. The officer shrugs.
BELDING
Well. You might be onto something Miss Spano.
Belding turns to the now very confused police officer.
BELDING
Do you think it would be possible to leave AC in my custody for a little bit? I think this could be a valuable learning experience for the kids.
After a moment the officer speaks.
OFFICER
Again. He’s not under arrest.
With a smile Belding turns to Jessie and Slater.
BELDING
Miss Spano will you please help me prep The Max for Slater’s murder trial?
Jessie hugs Slater, over the moon with excitement.
CUT TO COMMERCIAL
INT. THE MAX — DAY
The tables and chairs in The Max have been rearranged to look like some facsimile of a courtroom.
Jessie directs various STUDENTS to move chairs and other items into place. Slater enters looking around nervously.
JESSIE
There you are! Come on, sit down.
SLATER
Don’t you think this is a little much, Mama?
JESSIE
I’m your legal counselor.
SLATER
Don’t you think this is a little much, Mama Counselor?
Jessie gives him a look. Slater shrugs.
JESSIE
Don’t be nervous Slater. I’ve been practicing for this my whole life.
SLATER
But you’ve only been taking these classes this semester, it’s not like you’ve spent your whole life defending me.
Jessie gives Slater a glare.
JESSIE
Slater, this mock trial is serious.
Slater looks over at a group of students gathered against one side of The Max.
SLATER
Sorry I -
(beat)
Hey, who are they?
JESSIE
That’s the Glee Club.
SLATER
What are they doing here?
JESSIE
They’re your jury.
SLATER
Great.
Slater slumps into a chair behind the defense table.
JESSIE
I hope they can carry the scales of justice better than a tune.
Just then Zack enters in a full suit.
Zack makes his way behind the prosecutor’s table.
SLATER
Hey preppy, find somewhere else to sit. That spots for the idiot that’s going to try and convict me.
ZACK
I wouldn’t call him an idiot. But he looks good in a suit.
Salter stands up realizing that Zack is the prosecutor.
SLATER
You!?
Jessie stands up as well.
JESSIE
But you don’t know anything about law!
ZACK
That’s why I’ve got a crack research team!
Just then Screech enters holding an impossibly tall pile of folders and papers. He promptly trips down the stairs spilling them everywhere.
Jessie looks at Slater.
JESSIE
I think we’ve got this in the bag.
Moose, now acting as the bailiff steps into the middle of the room. He is wearing a whistle and blows it.
MOOSE
All rise for the honorable Judge Belding.
Everyone in the room quiets down and stands up.
Belding enters in what appears to be a repurposed choir robe covered in sequin.
The Max erupts in laughter and with his bandaged hand Belding tries to pound the gavel but ends up dropping it. Moose collects the hammer and Belding uses his good hand to pound the table in front of him.
BELDING
Order! Order! Order in the court!
Screech looks up from the prosecutor’s table.
SCREECH
I’ll have a hamburger and fries!
Belding glares at Screech.
BELDING
Now, you all know why we’re here. There is reason to suspect AC Slater of being the so-called Bayside Strangler. And we’re here to decide if he, with great malice aforethought, murdered Jeff Hunter, Maxwell Nerdstrom, Ginger, Nurse Jennifer, Peter Breschnev, the entire chess club and Kelly Kapowski.
The Police Officer stands by the jukebox and shakes his head.
BELDING
I want to thank the Glee Club for volunteering to decide AC’s ultimate fate. And for the choir robe.
The Glee Club nods in unison.
BELDING
Miss Spano. I’ll hand the court over to you to present your case.
Jessie stands up and surveys the room. She takes a looping walk around the open space of The Max before stopping in front of the jury.
JESSIE
Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury. Let me start with one simple fact. There has been zero evidence found at any of the crime scenes. Not only has there been no evidence connecting my client, Mr. Albert Clifford Slater to any of the crimes, there has been no evidence linking ANYONE with the crimes. Oh but what about Kelly’s body being found in Slater’s locker you ask?
Jessie goes to the table and pulls out a file.
JESSIE
I have here a copy of the student forensic team report from this morning. It lists the time of death only an hour before the body was found. I know for a fact that Slater was not in the vicinity of Bayside because he was picking me up at home to keep me safe from the very murders he is being accused of.
Jessie turns to Belding.
JESSIE
The defense is able and willing to provide testimony and corroboration from this attorney’s father.
BELDING
Thank you, defense. Anything else?
JESSIE
One more thing.
Jessie turns now to the court.
JESSIE
Why? Why would AC Slater murder Kelly Kapowski. Let alone a lot of other known acquaintances. What would he have to gain? Nothing. Thank you, your honor.
Belding smiles and nods.
BELDING
Zack?
Zack starts a slow and patronizing clap. He brings himself to his feet and walks over to the jury box. He winks at them. The BLONDE in the front row blushes and looks away.
ZACK
Slater had every reason to kill Kelly.
He turns towards Belding.
ZACK
Am I wrong Mr. B or does Slater not have a history of aggression? Issuing threats. Stuffing dweebs in lockers. And I believe he even laid one on you didn’t he?
Zack holds up a fist.
BELDING
Well yes that’s true Zack but I’m not your witness. Am I?
ZACK
No, no, no. I only ask because even you, and well most of us, know what kind of strength lay in Mr. Slater’s body. Captain of the football team. Undefeated wrestling champ. Clearly he possesses the ability to overpower anyone. Maybe even murder them.
Slater slams his fist down on the table.
SLATER
Watch it preppy or I’ll pound you!
Jessie puts her hand on his fist.
JESSIE
Are you crazy?!
Zack smiles and holds his arms out.
ZACK
I think I hit a nerve! Screech?
Screech hands him a file.
ZACK
You want any more evidence against him? Well I’ve got it. I hold in my hand a list of infractions going back years specifically related to AC Slater. On more than one occasion he has made vocal complaints, issued threats, or even shown physical aggression towards one Zack Morris related to his unrequited love, Kelly Kapowski.
The room gasps. Now Zack looks directly at Slater.
ZACK
Albert Clifford Slater can’t stand that Zack got Kelly and he with, what was the phrase you used Mr. B? With great malice aforethought, he took it out on the women and dweebs of Bayside High including his lost love Kelly.
The Glee Club gasps in harmony.
Slater bounces to his feet.
SLATER
That’s a lie and you know it!
ZACK
The facts don’t lie! You’ve been jealous of me since the day we met. And you figured if you couldn’t have her, no one could!
Belding gavels for order.
BELDING
Order! Order!
The room comes to a silence. A WAITER comes up to Belding.
WAITER
What’ll it be?
BELDING
No!
The WAITER scuttles away.
BELDING
The court will take a fifteen minute recess so that the jury can consider the arguments. If anyone has any new evidence to present you better get it ready now. And if anyone wants to get food, NOW is the time.
Belding gavels, stands and exits the Max.
SLATER
You’re dead, Preppy.
JESSIE
You’re not helping your case!
Slater turns towards Jessie apologetically.
SLATER
That’s the thing, you’re supposed to be helping my case but you’re not! if I get convicted for muder, I’m going to kill him!
Jessie turns away from him.
SLATER
Come on Mama…
Slater puts a hand on her shoulder. Jessie bats it away.
JESSIE
Don’t touch me.
Zack smiles at the camera again.
CUT TO:
INT. THE MAX / BATHROOM — LATER
Zack checks his hair in the mirror. In the mirror he looks into the camera.
ZACK
I think I’ve got this one all figured out. And here I was worried about the senior project. Now all that is left is to convict Slater and then I’m on my way to the beach, the sun and the girls.
There is a toilet flush and Zack reacts turning towards the stall. Screech opens the door holding some papers.
SCREECH
Oh, hi Zack.
ZACK
Screech. How long have you been in there?
SCREECH
Sorry Zack. I’ve been doing some more research.
ZACK
Whoa. That’s a little bit too much information Screech.
SCREECH
When I was looking through the records I found this photo that I can’t explain. Who is Miss Bliss?
Screech shows him a group shot of Zack’s eighth grade class and their teacher Miss Bliss.
ZACK
Oh this dumb thing? I wouldn’t worry about that Screech.
SCREECH
Well I wouldn’t normally but look, Zack. I’m in the photo. And it says it’s from Indiana. I don’t remember this at all!
ZACK
It’s probably just a mistake.
SCREECH
I don’t know Zack. Lisa’s there too. Maybe she remembers something about this?
Screech is about to leave but Zack puts his hands up in a T shape.
ZACK
Time out.
Screech freezes. Zack takes the photo from him and stuff it into his files.
ZACK
(to camera)
Geez, I think my legal clerk is more trouble than he’s worth.
CUT TO:
INT. THE MAX — LATER
Belding, now with a hamburger and fries in front of him, gavels the room to order.
BELDING
(mouth full)
Order. Order.
He pauses to swallow and wipe his mouth.
BELDING
Court is now in session. Members of the Glee Club. You’ve heard the cases as presented. Miss Spano, Mr. Morris. Do you have anymore to add before the jury deliberates?
JESSIE
No, your honor. I’m no longer on speaking terms with my client.
ZACK
Well Mr. B, I feel like I made my case.
BELDING
Very well then. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury I ask you -
Just then Screech comes running into the court.
SCREECH
Hold on! Hold on! The prosecution would like to call a witness.
ZACK
What are you doing Screech? I’m about to nail this thing closed.
SCREECH
I’m elevating myself to co-prosecutor and I’d like to call a witness.
BELDING
Now Screech, Zack is the prosecutor. I don’t know if there is precedence for this. Officer?
Belding turns to the long suffering Police Officer now slurping on a milkshake with his feet up on a chair.
OFFICER
Sure why not let the dweeb say a few words. Pretty sure none of this is legal anyway.
BELDING
Sustained. Screech, you may call your witness.
SCREECH
Thank you, your honor. The prosecution would like to call Zack Morris.
The room lets out a collective “ooooo”. The glee club harmonizes with them.
ZACK
Screech? What are you doing?
SCREECH
Please take the stand Zack or I’m going to have to have him rough you up.
Screech points to Moose who flexes his muscles, scaring Screech.
ZACK
Alright alright. You don’t have to get pushy.
Zack takes a seat next to Belding.
SCREECH
Mr. Morris. Do you recall where you were the night before Kelly Kapowski was murdered?
ZACK
Um, not really.
SCREECH
Maybe these will help.
Screech reaches out and a NERD hands him the folder of photos Zack handed him in the morning.
BELDING
Let me see those!
Belding looks at them.
BELDING
Zack!
ZACK
What? A guy can’t take some photos of his girlfriend?
SCREECH
And use them as payment for a homework assignment?
ZACK
Screech, come on. So what if I was taking pictures of her at cheerleading practice. That doesn’t mean I murdered her.
SCREECH
No. No it doesn’t.
Screech paces the floor.
SCREECH
When was the last time you spoke to Kelly, Zack?
ZACK
Right after practice. She called me to say good night.
(beat)
It was the last thing she said to me.
SCREECH
I see. What time was that?
ZACK
I don’t know. Right after practice? Four-o-clock?
SCREECH
Four-o-clock? And what time did you take these photos?
ZACK
I don’t know. After school. So what? Mr. B what is this about?
BELDING
Get to the point Screech.
Screech pulls out a small piece of paper.
SCREECH
I have an order ticket here from this very establishment yesterday at three-thirty P.M. for a hamburger and a milkshake for,
(checks paper)
Zack Morris.
He holds it out to show the court.
SCREECH
Cheerleading practice is from three-thirty P.M. until four thirty P.M. You expect us to believe that you came to the Max, ordered a hamburger and a shake, ate it, went to cheerleading practice and took candid photos of Miss Kapowski, and still made it home in time to speak to Kelly on the phone at four when she phoned you from the school?
ZACK
Look Screech. I admit taking the photos was wrong. But maybe I’ve got my timeline off a bit. So what?
SCREECH
That’s exactly it Zack. I think we’ve all got our time lines off.
ZACK
Okay! This is ridiculous. He’s lost it, Mr. B.
BELDING
Screech. Will you please make your point?
Screech turns to the jury.
SCREECH
Have you ever heard of Einstein’s theory of space-time relativity?
The Glee Club looks at one another in confusion. The police officer now has a hamburger.
OFFICER
Oh this is getting good!
SCREECH
The theory states that space and time are relative to the observer. And if one understands these properties one can manipulate them.
ZACK
Mr. B, come on!
BELDING
Hang on, Zack.
Screech goes to the prosecutor’s desk and sifts through the files.
SCREECH
Mr. Belding. Does the name Miss Bliss me anything to you?
BELDING
What? No.
SCREECH
Then can you explain why you appear in this photo with her?
Screech hands Belding the photo. He looks at it dumbfounded.
BELDING
(subdued)
Hey….what is going on here?
ZACK
It’s just a bad joke. Screech. Cut it out.
SCREECH
You were there Mr. Belding. So was I. So was Lisa.
Lisa, who has been sitting quietly keeping it together in the courtroom, looks up from her tissue.
SCREECH
And so was Zack Morris.
The room erupts in murmurs.
SCREECH
All of the murders happened over the span of a week. There was zero evidence found at any crime scene and in each case the victims were found in heavily traffic areas, still fresh. And no one saw anything. Only someone with the ability to affect time itself could commit these crimes.
ZACK
The nerd spent too much time at space camp!
BELDING
Screech. I have to admit this is an outlandish claim.
SCREECH
I can prove it.
He turns to Slater.
SCREECH
Slater. Do you remember the time you punched Mr. Belding?
Slater looks at Jessie who is giving him no help.
SLATER
Yeah.
SCREECH
But you weren’t trying to hit him were you?
SLATER
(recalling slowly)
No. I was trying to hit Zack but then he wasn’t there -
Slater stops realizing.
SCREECH
That very same day do you remember Kelly trying to kiss the new boy and we all were confused by the piece of paper that appeared in between their faces, out of nowhere.
Jessie sits up intrigued. Belding is leaning forward.
Screech turns to the jury.
SCREECH
Glee club. Do you remember the championship we almost won if it hadn’t been for some half brained scheme to use a pre-recorded tape?
They all nod in unison.
SCREECH
Did you ever wonder how the tape got into the player so quickly?
They all look around confused. Screech takes the photo of Miss Bliss from Belding.
SCREECH
And is there any explanation how a principal and a couple of kids from Indiana can end up in Bayside California without any memory or knowledge of it?
Lisa stands up and screams.
LISA
Oh my God! I’m from Indiana!
She runs out of the Max crying. The court erupts in chaos. Belding gavels the court again.
BELDING
Quiet! Quiet!
He looks at Zack.
BELDING
Zack. What is this all about?
Zack looks around at the room. Then at Screech.
ZACK
I knew I shouldn’t have brought you with me. You always were just a little too smart for your own good. I should have left you there with the rest of them. In the ground.
SCREECH
Well gosh Zack, if I knew you felt that way…
Zack stands up and approaches Screech.
ZACK
That’s right. I did it. You got me.
Jessie stands up.
JESSIE
But Zack? Why?
ZACK
That’s a good question Jessie. I guess I just figured if people started dying around here maybe we’d end the semester early and I’d get a couple extra days of summer.
Slater stands.
SLATER
But what about Kelly? You were in love.
Zack smiles as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of leather gloves. He slowly slips them on.
ZACK
There will be others. There always are.
BELDING
My God, Zack. You’re a monster.
ZACK
Am I? Maybe to some. But to others, I’m a God.
Zack holds his hands up into a T motion.
SCREECH
No!
Screech lunges for him but it’s too late.
ZACK
Time out!
The room freezes, Screech in mid lunge. Zack reaches out and strokes Screech’s face.
ZACK
I always knew it would be you little buddy. Somehow I always knew.
He walks towards the door of the Max.
He takes the heavy chain that has been the lock on the door and closes it. The padlock clicks with a hollow pinch in the silent room.
Zack turns and walks back to Screech. Screech’s body, frozen in time, is motionless, while his eyes follow Zack in horror.
A single bead of sweat rolls down his face.
Zack reaches out and stops the bead of sweat with his gloved finger.
ZACK
It’s alright…
His fingers move down to Screech’s neck where he wraps them firmly around it. He leans into Screech’s ear, Screech’s eyes following him.
ZACK
(whispering)
You’re saved.
CUT TO:
Written by Jeph Porter and Johnny Chastain
Want to see some other stuff? How about a totally unnecessary 30min mockumentary about the Apollo 11 moon landing? Or what about an incident report from the dock manager in the country song Convoy? Thanks for reading!
